​​At the age of 28, and before I was a Christian, I was absolutely obsessed with a relationship. My world revolved around this person from the age of 18 forward.

My self-esteem was based upon his desire for how I looked and how I served him. I tried very hard to meet his standards. He would praise me for being the “hottest” girl in the room. But at the same time, he was never faithful, and his praise wasn’t love.

My behaviors were based upon getting and keeping his attention. My internal voice was always active with anxiety and wondering what I could do better. I was a shell of a person, conforming to someone else's demands and manipulations.

He spun wild stories to cover his tracks. I always knew the truth, but talked myself out of it. It took me over a decade to wake up. My first change was to confront in order to change him. I started playing his game of manipulation. I thought if I caught him, that would change his behaviors.

In reflection, the poor way he treated me was so obvious. Everyone knew; and I’m sure they pitied me, but never said anything. And I acted clueless in their presence, and split off from reality, trying to keep my face happy and bright, excelling in my job.

I look back at that girl with pity and great sorrow.

I’m not her anymore.

Jesus saved me.

God is calling me to reach for my former self through others

… who wonder if God still heals and saves
... who are stuck in self-deception and self-defeat
… who are blinded by idols
… who live a double life and need forgiveness
… whose strategy is to manipulate others for love and acceptance
… who long to know what true love is
… but whose hope is in this world and what it offers

There are lots of lies we believe. In retrospect, I had no idea how perverted and twisted my soul was. If you stay open to my story, praying that you’ll be open that you also believe many lies, you too have twisted perceptions.

Consider… you have no idea the depth in which you are defeated by the dubiousness of your own soul.

There is no quick resolution.

Even after believing in Jesus, I was susceptible to my own twisted lies, and the false idol I worshipped.

But there is immediate rescue within if you believe.

The way Jesus snatched me suddenly from darkness, was in a period of great grief. The false idol I was with abandoned me at a Raiders game in Oakland. If you know Oakland, it is not a safe place to abandon a woman. I was over an hour from “home”.

I snapped. The feeling of abandonment in a scary place slapped me into reality.

I found my way back to our place, and got a Sunday newspaper for rental ads.

I grabbed my kitty and left the next day, immediately renting a garage converted into a studio. It was a desperate move. There was a side entrance. But the main garage door was not converted or sealed, so if you grabbed the front latch of the garage, there I would be; sitting on my sofa sleeper. But at least I was out, at least for a little while.

I spiraled into depression.

I was falling apart, and Jesus swept in for rescue.

He captured my attention through the NFL great Reggie White who was speaking on a tv channel. I loved football; and wanted to see what he was saying. Turns out, he was preaching at a local church. I made sure to write down the name of the church. I’d never gone to church except a few times to Catholic services. Those prior church experiences were very confusing and intimidating to me. I didn’t like them.

But what Reggie said spoke to me and the church he was at was very different. It seemed interesting. And though it took me about 6 weeks to go, I responded to Christ’s subtle pursuit and went to Jubilee Christian Center.

It was awesome. The worship was amazing and the messages were relevant to my life.

After a few months of attending church, one Sunday, a traveling evangelist showed up. He asked people to come back that night. Completely blind to what it would be, I went back that night.

Turns out he was an evangelist who believed in miracles. I panicked when I heard he would be doing “healings”; and wanted to leave immediately. I was sure they were all crazy, thinking all of my recent church experience was based upon deception and lies. But I was seated in the front row because I showed up late; and there weren’t other seats. I felt if I got up and left, they would notice, and I’d be stopped, “Stop in the Name of the Lord!” kind of moment. I was horrified of this as a possibility, so I stayed.

And then the inner critic came out. I was sure I could discover the people being healed were plants in the audience. But these are faces of people I had seen over the several months of attending.

I felt great conflict that they could be in on it. They were giving great testimony of healings.

So I kept returning. I attended 5 straight nights.

Upon leaving night 5, with some skepticism, but also with great hope, I prayed for the first time. “God I believe in you, and I believe in Jesus, but what is this healing thing? Is it real? Do you still heal? Give me a dream.”

He gave me a dream.

In the dream, I was in my Saturn driving on the 280 freeway going North. Suddenly I was passing major accidents with people screaming, laid out on the freeway, many ambulances and firetrucks blaring their sirens. It was terrifying; and my heart was leaping out of my chest.

Then a figure appeared. He was clear as light, his outline like a glass figure, but alive. He positioned behind my seat. He put his hand on my shoulder and suddenly a big, beautiful yellow butterfly flew in front of my windshield.

My breath caught, and I spoke to the figure, “Look a butterfly!” And then I woke up.

The dream made no sense to me; so I dismissed it, got up and on with my day.

It was a Friday. It was also the 6th and final night of the “healing” services.

It’s on Day 6 that God breathed life into Adam, Genesis 1:26-27 & Genesis 2:7.

I had gotten bolder by that final night; and sat in the middle, closer to the stage. Typically, the evangelist gave a sermon before the healing service began. But since it was his last night, he wanted to use the entire time for healing and miracles.

While he was calling people to the platform for healing prayer, my eyes wandered. In one magical moment, my eyes crossed paths with a working stage light with a flat face. There was no opening to the light. But suddenly, out of that light came the butterfly from my dream! I gasped in utter shock watching it fly to the stage. Tim Storey (the evangelist) said, “Oh look! The Holy Spirit in the form of a butterfly!”

At that moment, the presence of God fell upon me, and I heard God’s voice in my heart and mind, “Yes Gina, I still heal; and I will heal you.”

I broke upon the filling of the Holy Spirit, flooded with His love and comforted by His whispers. The pressure from enduring abuse and manipulation broke like a dam and could not be held back. I desperately wanted to hold back aware I was in the middle of a large crowd, but I could not stop crying. It lasted to the end of the service.

I was saved, filled with the Spirit of God!

Some may think that miracles, signs, and wonders are everything.

They are not.

As I said earlier, because of my brokenness and twisted perceptions, there was no immediate resolution of my broken ways. And so, I went forward quickly corrupting the purity of that miraculous holy moment.

I was saved; yes, but my old nature was in charge. And I was still desperate for the human dream of marriage and family. So, I thought that I could insist that God would do for the man I obsessed about, what He did for me. Miraculously intervene.

I was very wrong. I could not force God’s hand, nor someone else’s will.

About 6 months after my conversion, the man of my obsessions got fired. He lost millions in stock. His dreams and life dramatically and quickly crumbled. More on that in a second.

Meanwhile, God was blessing my life. I was promoted and excelling in my career. I had great joy. Related to church, I joined the choir and offered to help in children’s ministry. The highlight of my week was church.

But my heart was still tethered to the false idol. And as I worried about him becoming homeless; after all, he lost everything! So, I of course let him move in.

God was giving me scriptures of warning and whispering. “No.” “He is not for you.” “Stop.”

I closed my ears.

One weekend, while we were living in the garage, he said he had a weekend construction project to help a friend expand a room in his church. But really, it was a front to spend his time with another woman. I guess he was in the church briefly, but only for the LORD to call his bluff. He ended up with a rusty nail through his foot, and a painful end in the hospital. Eventually I found out about the woman, and confronted her.

I insisted we go to counseling. He went once.

And I went back.

Signs and wonders and miracles are not your answer. Getting to know Jesus is.

End of Part 1.

#christian #testimonial #jesussaves #JesusIsKing #jesuslovesyou #Jesusiscoming #JesusIsLord #healingprocess #healingjourney #healingprayer #bibleverse #HolySpirit #holyspiritfilled #miracles #signs #wonders #believe #GoodNews #gospel#gospel #savedbygrace #amazinggrace #amen

​(In this blog, you'll read testimony statements from a former Muslim, a grieving child, a lost girl [me], an Egyptian slave girl, and an atheist who were all found in wilderness places by Jesus!)

​Revelation of who God is comes through personal encounter.  You can't really know Him through others experiences.  Yes, you can hear about Him through others; but to really know Jesus, you have to know Him for yourself.  And in the knowing, are times of deep revelation, when you learn different aspects of Him.  He is a deep well of unmatched treasure, always something new to learn about who Jesus is!  

You may not know Him yet, and if that is true.  Listen to what those of us who have walked with God for many years, boldly proclaim-
"You are the God who heals me."
"You are the God who comforts me."
"You are the God who calls me your own."
"You are the God who forgives me."
"You are the God who supplies all my needs."
"You are the God who defends me."
"You are the God who gives me new beginnings."
"You are the God who suffered a terrible death to save my soul from eternal judgment."

Are these ways you would like to know God? 

Our declarations reveal intimacy with God through the most private things of our soul.  He found us in desperate places and transformed us with His Spirit!  We Christians have experienced Him through the most trying circumstances of our lives!  And He has been faithful, even when we have not!  He repeatedly makes the way of escape for us, always letting us know that we are not alone!  He is with us!

Consider this testimony, "I was born a Muslim in Iraq. I was worried and depressed, sitting and looking at the Tigris River in my city.  Jesus' face appeared to me in the water and told me. "Son, you're not alone." And now I'm a Christian, and I pray every day at the edge of the river.  Thank you Jesus for this grace. I'm not alone right now. Jesus is with me."

Jesus' message that "you are not alone" is a primary message.  And yes, Jesus supernaturally speaks and reaches for people to comfort them in their loneliness!  That former Muslim youth's testimony is a modern day example of it.  It also parallels an ancient encounter found in the book of Genesis, the first book of the Bible.  

In Genesis chapter 16 we find a mistreated and lonely woman who had a personal encounter with God that transformed her destiny.  She was an Egyptian slave girl and the first recorded person to give God a name!  Think about that, an Egyptian slave girl was the first person to give a Name to God!

And it was based upon personal encounter!!!

The Egyptian slave girl was named Hagar.  You can read the full account in Genesis chapter 16.  She was a maidservant subjected to the will of her mistress Sarai.  In these ancient times, it was part of survival and accepted culture to have maidservants.  Having maidservants was common in ancient society because most were farmers and lived off the land.  Families were "tribal" for reasons of survival.  It was not according to God's instruction, but because of the brokenness of human soul that families would choose to reproduce through maidservants.  And it should be noted that Hebrews were known to treat their maidservants much better than other cultures, so Hagar was in a privileged "tribal family".  Abraham and Sarah were very wealthy.

But Sarah was old and barren, beyond believing that God would provide her and Abraham a child, even though He promised them that He would, Genesis 15:4-5. 

In Sarah's unbelief, she tried to find relief for her sorrow by human means.  She took note that Hagar was of childbearing age.  So she cooked up a scheme for Abraham to father a child through Hagar.  In Hagar's own error, once pregnant, she felt she had one up on Sarah, and began to despise her.  Sarah in turn mistreats Hagar.  Hagar then runs away, which leads to her personal encounter with God. 

Are you running away in any area of your life?  Are you resisting authority, feeling mistreated?  It could be an opportunity to open yourself up to God's word over your life and His counsel.

I was running and lonely and depressed and being mistreated when Jesus found me.  I opened myself up to hear about Him.  I went to church and opened myself up to hear the message spoken about Christ.  He manifested himself to me through a dream, sign and wonder.  He spoke to my heart and said, "Yes Gina, I still heal and I will heal you."  And He has!!!

Romans 10:17- So faith comes from hearing, that is, hearing the Good News about Christ.

Even and especially if you are suffering right now, you need to position to hear the Good News about Jesus! He is speaking through the Word of God being proclaimed about Him in churches.  (side note- Find an evangelical, community church that preaches from the Word of God.)

Often, it is in suffering and sorrow that people meet Jesus and experience profound revelation about who He is!  In our suffering, we wrongly think He isn't paying attention.  But the truth is, in times when we need rescue, He is as close as our breath that humbly cries out, "Jesus help me."  

When God meets Hagar in the wilderness, He tells her a hard thing.  He tells her to return to her mistress and submit to her.  But in the same breath, He also tells her she's going to have a son, and to name him "Ishmael", meaning "God hears".  God has a personal conversation with Hagar, telling her intimate things about her life, her coming son, and his destiny.  And so she obeys and goes back to the place of provision God gave her through Sarah and Abraham.

Jesus says that His sheep will hear His voice, John 10:27-  My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me.

If you want a transformed life filled with hope and promise, believe in the goodness of Jesus!

Listen to another testimony from @loveiseverything- "I remember when my mom died, I was upset at God because He didn't heal my mom. I stayed away from God for 8 years not church nor praying or reading the Bible. One night Jesus came to me saying it's time. When I woke up I cried because I thought He didn't love me anymore He spoke to me in spirit that He was always there for me. After that day I was so hungry for Him it's been 4 years now I got baptized clinging to Him daily."

Hagar's personal encounter with God greatly encouraged her just like @loveiseverything, so much so that she gave God a name!

She gave this name to the LORD who spoke to her, “You are the God who sees me.”  She says “I have now seen the One who sees me.” (Genesis 16:13).

Can you say that about God?  "You are the God who sees me."  If not yet, do not despair.  Position to hear Him.

We're approaching Easter.  It's a great time to know God through Jesus.  Lots of churches will be talking about the gift of Jesus!

He is the Lamb of God who takes away the sin of the world!  Who gives new beginnings!  

He can take your guilt, your shame, your disappointments, your sorrow, your anger, your bitterness, your doubt.  He doesn't want you to clean yourself up.  He just wants you to come and hear His Good News!

"I was an athiest and mocked jesus and called him a fairy tale until i overdosed and stood before jesus. His face was so bright that i couldnt see anything but light, his arms were held out to hug me when the light got brighter, i felt so much love and peace, this why I will never stop telling people. Especially Muslims, about Jesus. I cannot stand to see people deceived." - @whocaresxx92

If you open up to Jesus, He can completely transform your heart, giving you a new beginning, making all things new!!!

Jesus removes your sin as far as the East is from the West, Psalm 103:12.

I pray you open yourself to believe that Jesus is the God who sees you! Who hears you! Who loves you!  Who can heal you and transform you and make all things new! 

Go to church this Easter!  Ask God to lead you to a strong, bible-based church to hear about the Good News of Jesus.

"God, please lead me to a church that will tell me about the Good News of Jesus.  Amen."

Blessings this resurrection season!   New beginnings await for those who believe!  Go to church!  And don't leave without signing up to receive my blog via email!  Form is top of page in right column!)

2 Corinthians 5:17- Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come:  The old has gone, the new is here!